broken but not defeated, Zambia day 5

Let me be brutally honest, I'm drained. I literally have nothing left in my tank. I don't know how to keep going. I feel like Job at the edge of his decision.

I stayed up late last night trying to research the Director at the Ministry of Development and Children only to find zero information after 4 hours of research. Needless to say I was tired this morning, really tired. I had breakfast and came back to my room to start what's become my normal worship/prayer time. I turned on a song and was walking around the room when I felt I literally had nothing else I could do but get on my knees and pray. What started as a prayer turned into sobbing, the kind of sobbing when you lose a close family member or friend. Where you can't breathe. I told God that I'm out of energy, I have no idea what to do and I can't do anything without him. I'm wondering if the goal is to make this so hard so it's completely apparent that this was not me that made this happen, but him. I'm so ready for him to have all the glory for this because I don't want it and I know I can't do this. I've never felt so defeated in my life.

After gathering myself, we went off to start the day. We decided on a divide and conquer approach. Rick and Becky were dropped off at immigration while Megan and I went to Social Welfare to apologize for my rudeness yesterday and try to make any appeal for a resolution. At immigration, Rick and Becky were assured that we would be good to get our children and leave. They wanted to write formal letter for the release of the children which they did. At Social Welfare I met again with the Director we met with yesterday. I can say with confidence if I were in the US having the conversation I had with this guy yesterday, especially given the state of mind I was in, I would have probably crossed some lines that I wasn't willing to cross here (probably a good thing because I shouldn't get that angry anyways). Today, he was much nicer and would at least have a conversation. At the end of the conversation he told me that we would have "a firm decision" by the end of the day. We anticipated these meetings would push further into the day, but we were done by 10 am so it was time to just wait. I was surprisingly calm, I trusted that God was going to make a way by the end of the day. I was convinced I would be leaving tomorrow with Vera so we literally waited….all day.

We got a call from our US Embassy contact at 5:30 and the news couldn’t have been much worse. He met with the DRC Embassy and they are now questioning the legitimacy of ALL of our documents. WHAT?!?! I'm blown away that we have a bunch of politicians playing attorneys at this point. How/Why do they think they have the ability to interpret legal documents? It absolutely blows my mind. He said they are now asking DRC to confirm the documents are correct. At the start of this process, there was a question about one document, then us as parents and now our entire adoption. Are you freaking kidding me?

When we got this news I immediately started looking for flights home. I think part of me wants to give up because I'm tired of fighting. And even more honest, I'm tired of losing. I feel like that is all that I'm doing. I spoke with Tori and she still has a peace about the whole situation, which I'm grateful for, but it probably bugs me just as much.

I was standing outside and Becky walked up to me and asked that I wait to book a flight. They, like us, are desperate for this to happen. I feel terrible because I acted so quickly to find a flight when I should have tried to be the rock that we all needed in this situation. As I sit here thinking about this situation, I understand Job and his decision but there is one BIG difference between his situation and mine. His friends convinced him that he was making the wrong decision. My friend, YOU, have done the exact opposite. I feel the prayers, I'm seeing the prayer requests, I'm seeing the impact of these words, I'm hearing about friends fasting, I'm getting filled by my friends, YOU! If it weren't for your prayers, your calls, your texts, your emails I know I would already have a flight booked.

Tonight I sat on the porch talking with one of Megan's friend's named Abel. He said something to me that stuck out. He said, (in a Zambian dialect) "Dis situation, it's from the Devil. I do not like the Devil." Amen brother. I am so sick and tired of the enemy having any impact on God's work. ABSOLUTELY tired of it. I don't know how to cast him out except through what I know is happening, prayer. I can't give up on Vera because I have all of YOU supporting us. I'm so grateful for that support.

My Prayer - God, I don't have the strength. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I don't want to let everyone down. I want to be the rock that helps Rick and Becky. I want to be the rock that provides strength and stability for my family, but I can't. At least not on my own strength. I NEED you. I know you have a plan and your timing is only perfect. I pray for that timing lord and that this would happen when you will it to happen. In the meantime, that you would give me strength to be better than I am, because I am not enough. I am not even close to enough. I can't do this. I NEED you.

PS. And it just happened again, uncontrollable sobbing. I'm not enough without you lord.